Moving on. Moving up.

So a year and a half ago. Two years ago. Perhaps three. Nearly 4...I went through a bad break up. And not bad like hurling insults and throwing dishes at each others heads. Not even messy like: I'm-taking-the-house-and-your-Swiss-bank-account-and-am-going-to-be-very-petty
-over-every-last-detail. Not at all messy really - or childish. But painful. Very very painful. Where one retreated further and further, the other fought harder and harder for attention. Any kind. Good or bad.

Finally, when the realisation that he was never going to change set in, I set off. Picked up what was left of my pride, my very self, and forged ahead. The most difficult thing I have done - but probably one of the things I am most proud of in hindsight. You see - life with him wasn't bad. But it wasn't good. It was just...beige. He didn't love me. He didn't not love me. But what I learned is - I had to love myself. No one is going to love you until you love yourself. Sounds trite, I know. But it's true. I had to love myself enough at such a low point in order to lift myself out of a world to which I had become accustomed. Where I felt comfortable. Where I felt stagnant. Where I was lost.

Anyways. I was sorta just contemplating all this after I read a fantastic quote on - of all things - a Lululemon shopping bag. "To rise out of mediocrity you must not be afraid to fail." And I admit -I am pretty much afraid everyday...of one thing or another. Real or imagined. Mostly the latter. I am afraid I am never going to get the things I want out of life. I am terrified of the journey to achieve them. I am not sure if this is the reason for all the self-sabotage - the moments where things are going oh-so-well that I need to upset the proverbial apple cart and return to my neurotic state - where ironically I feel calm when I am worried about everything.

I don't know. I am just tired of waiting for life to begin. And yet at the same time I am afraid of living life. As set in my ways as I am convinced I want to change them. Weird I know. And reason #792 I am somewhat difficult to live with; no matter where the living is...

Let me know the new zip code Parkes, and we'll see if we can help this girl face her fears in exchange for a new life adventure. In exchange for even more happiness.

Again.