Bliss

At what point does the girl you are with become the girl who is worthwhile?

Until 10 minutes ago I would have thought – said – presumed – it was when you first fell in love. No wait. That may be too soon. Perhaps it’s when you go on your first date – even if it’s a week…or a month …or a year - or 2 - after you first met. Maybe it’s when you start to spend every waking hour together – and those hours that you’re not together – the ones that tick by so slowly – become all-consuming thoughts of THE one in your life.

That. That is what I thought. I was wrong.

On review, I would suppose that a person – a woman – can only become something – something worthwhile – once she has accepted her fate and become the property of the man. Married. Don’t ask me about it – because I have a lot to say. A lot. A self-proclaimed expert of sorts – for I have been down that path…and found my way back. My way back to being me. Where my last name is the same as it was for the 28 years leading up to it. Where I am not just another possession to be admired. To be envied. And I thought – I think – I know…that “back” is where I belong. That just because I do not wear an expensive trinket on my ring finger – does not make me cheap. Nor worthless.

So imagine my complete and utter shock – when someone – someone who I thought got it – understood it - someone who I thought was my greatest supporter and aided in my journey to become un-lost - comments about how his newly-wedded friend should not have time for him anymore – since now – well - he’s married. He’s won. He’s done. Forget the fact he’s shacked-up with said betrothal for nearly a year. Forget the fact – as difficult as it may be - that her wedding dress fit tightly across her now 6 months pregnant frame. These are things I do not judge. In fact, these are the things that I thought mattered. These are the things that I would have thought – made her a priority to him long before some stupid ceremony and piece of paper. But perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps this is just me extending my bitter-jaded-once-bitten-twice-shy-you-name-the-synonym-my-god-I-can’t-believe-I-used-the-
word-synonym-in-a-sentence point of view.

But to me marriage is what one makes of it. I am neither for, nor against it. But I do not believe it should be entered into foolishly. Nor should it make someone more important to you a mere day later than the day before. Because if that’s all it took to make someone make someone else a priority – well – perhaps I’d still be living in the house on the hill…instead of picking myself up off the mantle – and dusting myself off - however much better I may be for it...

*** P.S. DECEMBER 4, 2006 - Dear Parkes : I wrote this in June - but never posted this until today. I wrote it in anger - as I do many of my posts - but I'm not mad at you - don't believe I ever was. Yet another moment where I misunderstood/misconstrued/misfired - and for that I apologise. I did feel compelled to post it though, if only to better understand the frustration and anger I felt - feel - at myself. Forgive me...~G